So yesterday I made the joke at the end of my blog that ” My car wouldn’t start.” Guess what. This morning, my car didn’t start. Talk about self-actualization!! Mother cow!
I slept terribly last night, having these dreams that my mother died. Waking up in tears. But they didn’t stop there. I would fall back to sleep and the deep sense of aloneness would set in. My mother’s family really do not invite me to things, or want me around. I was disowned from my biological father’s side of the family. For some reason, in my dreams, my stepfather’s side of the family wanted nothing to do with me (which has not been the case, ever). In the dreams Mike’s family didn’t really welcome me yet because they didn’t know me, and because of my disability. They thought I was weird and not good enough for Michael. (Probably my own inset insecurities there, obviously). Let’s face it, I am pretty neurotic at times and that is okay with me. 🙂 (Only I am allowed to say this though).
But it was this deep sense of isolation and loneliness that I felt. That I was so alone now that my mother was gone and I had no family; that there were nothing other surviving family members that would claim me. I also felt that I needed to have children, my own flesh and blood so that I could reclaim some of this connection; I could have that family connected to me and build that bond again. I woke up in tears several times last night. I know that so many people feel alone, and in truth we are all alone. Though we are surrounded by others, many people are probably feeling similar things. Kinda ironic in some ways. Alone, but not alone.
Still, I woke up energized and determined to start the day with a bright disposition. I looked out the window… Sigh, overcast. Oh, Look! Tulips-Blooming! Bulbs on Dogwood-Sprouting! Snow ball tree with little fragrant snowballs!! Yay! I was even 10 minutes early when I got into my car and realized, hmm… it isn’t turning over. My car isn’t even making a sound. Ah, crap. How felicitous is this? haha… I laughed. Really. I laughed and called Mike, who was still sleeping and woke him up to tell him about my non-functioning coche!
Oh, well. Se la vi. I guess the emotional day turned out okay- Now I will go sing at choir practice with the Evergreen Chorale. Every practice Pat Michel’s, the director, always offers some kind of new insight that I have to share… and share I will. Singing is my outlet and provides some kind of solace to my tender heart. Music provides the lightening rod for the storm, or the strainer for the tea that pours the overflow of emotions that cannot be contained or encapsulated by the mere mortal form that is me.