Since Sunshine arrived, I have been built up, torn down, teared up, cried out, and well…. just emotionally challenged in so many ways. I have seen this little life, growing exponentially in front of me each day, and know that I am to be a larger part of her learning than just a mom who sees her in the morning or at night. I want to see all the little things she learns: Her first steps, her first words. I need to be a part of these experiences. Just this week, she reached for the first time and grabbed onto her blanket and brought it to her mouth! It was amazing. On top of that, this week she was able to sit up on her own, by holding on to my fingers. At the beginning of this week, she was still having a difficult time keeping her head up looking to the right or straight ahead. Now she is turning back and forth and watching all sorts of things going on around her. I would not wish to miss this for the world.
With all this beauty and wonderous exploration going on, I still feel that there is more for me. There is a purpose to my life, my experiences, my knowledge. Is it to only share this knowledge with my daughter? Or will I be able to still share my resources and information with others? Still touch others lives? I love to learn, I love to teach, and I still wish to grow in my experiences and knowledge by working with others in the community. Is there a way to still work, but only part time, in which I could make enough to pay for the babysitters and still have anything left to help our little family, and also be able to still see her growing? That is why this is so difficult. Working full time seems to be the only method in which I could financially contribute, but I would miss out on so much with Sunshine.
So what is my purpose in life? What does God have planned for me? I am still trying to figure this out and have a feeling I may never know. When do you discover your purpose in life? I have believed for so long it was helping individuals with disabilities. Now, I no longer know.
Sigh. On top of these musings going on in my mind, my back tooth hurts. What does that mean? Dentist, most likely. For those of you who don’t know. I detest the dentist. Have been scared stiff of going to the dentist since childhood, and usually have to drug myself up to go. (Now I have a medication management problem in which the drug would pass to Sunshine in her milk, and we wouldn’t want that). But, I am feeling the pain and I really do not wish to go. On top of that, I would have to get a sitter while going to the dentist, and that is not easy to do. Hmmm…. I will have to figure this all out and brave the dangerous dentist, in which I cry after stepping foot in an office. Oh well. Little Sunshine is asleep and we must get her ready for bed.
I am off to send her to la-la land and read for a bit. Perhaps I can dream for awhile and find that “purpose” I’ve been searching for.