Wednesday Worries

So being the person with Anxiety disorder that I am, I tend to worry a heck of a lot. Combine this with Bipolar disorder and my worries take on a stream of conscious type feel to them… worrying about a spot on the carpet somehow leads to Armageddon. Yeah, a bit of a stretch, but it does happen. If I let my worries carry me away then I worry about things WAY out of my control and then I go into panic attacks and things happen to me that I imagine are heart attack symptom related, though it’s not a heart attack.

So why Wednesday Worry day? I decided to dedicate a day to just getting the worries out there…. and then to let them go. Everyone has worries, but sometimes just sharing what those are give you a life, a sense of peace… or maybe a short plan on how to approach this worries or solve some problems. Some of my worries are lame inane things that really are stupid to worry about, and some are really viable issues that I think most anyone would worry about.

The list for today, the 25th day of January 2012, is as follows (in no particular order):

  • My daughter is cruising. As in walking using the support of furniture. This is scary since she practically didn’t start crawling until last week … and her crawling efforts are minimal since she wants to pull herself up and walk. Not ready for this yet.
  • I am worried about our financial situation. I need to help us out somehow, but is would cost more for childcare these days and I am not willing to work full-time just yet. Somehow I need to get my brain out of baby mode long enough to come up with some working ideas.
  • I am getting pretty down. Not my really low seasonal depression stuff, but definitely not too happy. I am afraid this has a lot to do with not getting enough recuperative sleep.
  • I am worried about my relationship with my hubby. I am currently super resentful of my husband. I am angry at the choices he is making. This does not make me want to be warm and fuzzy. I don’t really want to snuggle. Then again, when are we in the same room together for very long in order to do this? Not so much, and when we do, Sunshine is usually between us. Although the choices he has been making are mostly to deal with his own emotional stress, or the bit of down time he has,  his choices have repercussions on me. For instance: not going to bed until 4:00am in the morning because he is stressed out. He chooses to play video games or computer games. Thus he doesn’t get up until late. Thus he works from home. Thus he works way more hours than he normally would to compensate for slower internet workings here and interruptions from Sunshine. Thus I get no time to myself except the 7 minutes it takes for him to get her dried off after bath time and put her in a new diaper, whilst I sit in the bath a bit longer.Perhaps I am resentful because all those hours he is spending playing games, I am not getting to do something for myself. I KNOW that I need to sleep, so any spare chance I get I nap. No reading, no playing games, no fun time for myself.  Now, don’t get me wrong… Sunshine is fun. My hubby loves to point this out when I say I want to do something for myself… “But she is so much fun! Don’t you love her?”  Duh!  I love her, but if you spent 24/7 with her you would want a reprieve as well! If I hand her off to him, its seems an inconvenience for him, or it doesn’t last long because he says “She needs the boob.” Is this the lameass excuse all men whose wives breastfeed use to get out of caring for their kids? I found out that this is common and I am not alone. (Damn. Will have to rethink this whole breast-feeding thing next time around).
  •  In the same theme… I am worried about my hubby. His health. Mental health mostly, and possibly physical health. I give him all sorts of information to look at, as he is one of those guys who has to have quantitative (not qualitative) peer-reviewed research presented to him that supports whatever conclusion he wishes to derive from such things. I am not sure he really even looks at the information I send him any longer. He is a logical thinker.  Why can’t he see that he is not his normal self and that all this stress and worries is effecting his life, his physical health, his reactions to me and his daughter, and his energy levels?

Sigh. I believe those are the brunt of my worries today. Perhaps I am overtired so also over sensitive? Perhaps I just need to let go, or call in a favor from a friend and take myself to a movie? Perhaps I just need to get people together and go the Zoo?  Oooh!  I think I will take Sunshine to the zoo tomorrow.  Get us out and do something fun.  Yep. Year long passes rock!  Woot.  Well, until next Wednesday I will let my worries go for now. 

Have a great day and don’t forget to giggle!

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