I am sitting in a car with some of my fellow choristers. We are the chorus for the broadway show of Titanic. Super cool actually.
What is not so cool is how insecure I feel. I do not have a lot in common with the people in the car. They are all school music teachers… I used to teach but it was special education… All those students these guys are complaining about having in their classes.
As they talk and discuss about their experiences, their opinions… I try to think of something to share, some medium of conversation I can contribute. The young guy with us, however, gives me an odd look every time I do interject something.Like I am weird or he’s annoyed with me. Perhaps I might have interupted, perhaps I just missed the point of the conversation… Who knows?
The more odd looks I get the more I get insecure… Thinking, “Am I so weird?” Do people really think I am odd? I used to think I had my shit together. I stopped taking my medications to be able to.nurse my daughter. I am lucky to be able to do this for my little girl. But now, with her nearing a year it may be time to go back on my meds. Sigh. I don’t feel myself. I don’t feel in control. I feel shaky and unstable. Exhausted and insecure. Perhaps its just today. Perhaps I should at least take my antianxiety meds before attempting this again tomorrow night? Lots to think about when all I want to do is sleep.
Alas, I am still in the car with the others. Wish me luck.