I believe, as we grow older, that we also grow more wiser in regards to learning to love ourselves.
It is amazing how society has done a number on us, especially women. We are taught to question our beauty, or talents, and pin them against the likeness of others instead of teaching us to improve ourselves for ourselves. Instead of being content as a stay-at-home mom, we have to one up others as well as our husbands and do something “more” with our lives. I have to admit, that for a long time I believed I was going to be a career mom. I grew up with a mom, who for awhile was a single parent, and very busy trying to find work to keep our little family going. She did get a position that she was very successful in, and became a workaholic. She had the chance to retire, but did not enjoy not working. She took a part time job, and then was offered a pretty lucrative executive director position she couldn’t turn down. The thing is, my mom grew up believing, or perhaps from her experiences learned, that true enjoyment in life and love of oneself is derived from what you do as a professional woman. It wasn’t that being a mom wasn’t important to her, it just wasn’t where she derived her self worth from.
Now, don’t get me wrong… I don’t believe your self worth should come from just a job, or even from being just a mom. I believe a person’s self-worth comes from just being. Surviving this world and all the good and bad experiences that occur. I believe that a person’s self worth doesn’t come from someone patting you on the back and telling you that you did a great job on such and such project. Self worth should come from inside, and that the good deeds we do as human beings should be of utmost importance. That we treat others in life with kindness and humility, and we don’t judge others for their choices or decisions because we do not live in their shoes, nor have the background to base such choices on. That a higher power, be it God, Allah, Buddah, whomever, has called us to be better people and accepting of differences in each other because we were all created to be unique individuals.
For me, learning to love myself and be content with who I am today, has been an extremely difficult thing to do. Being a professional working mom was supposed to be what I strove for. You have probably read other posts where I have beaten the proverbial horse dead on this matter, but it is still something I am working on daily. Something I am faced with every time I get an email about a job (which I get about 20 emails a day regarding this) or information on disability related issues. I have this part of me that so desperately WANTS to be out there doing more for the disability community. Volunteering, participating in legislative issues, working within the community of others with disabilities. But this all requires me to leave home and Sunshine is not permitted to join me. If she were, this wouldn’t be an issue and I would probably be neck deep in volunteering with Sunshine strapped to my back.
So, here I am. Struggling with wanting to participate in the Governor’s Commission again, but also wanting so desperately to be a good mother. A lot of moms would have made a decision already. I actually have made a decision, by not making a decision. It has to be perfect. The job or volunteer opportunity has to be a sign from God that this is the right move to make. I have been praying and praying and until that sign appears, I am content with being at home with Sunshine. Technically, we are rarely at home and my husband has been complaining lately that we use more gas than he does. We have been going out a lot lately, but it is more for my sanity that anything else. Staying active and involved is a huge part of why I believe I am doing as well as I am without medications.
I know this post is rather random, like much of what I write. But I wanted to remind myself, by writing it down, that learning to love myself is a neverending quest…. that I first need to like myself at bit more and that by striving to be a better person, to myself, to my husband and daughter, to others who I do not know and just meet on the street, a store, or a park…. that being a better person is first and foremost what will help me get closer to that goal of loving who I am.