There and back again….

Yeah, yeah. I am not a hobbit, nor I am elfin or dwarf…. but there are days I wish I were.

It has been some time since I wrote last, or had much to say for that matter. I am now, not only a mother to a precocious 3 year old but also to an almost 1 year old little boy who is equally just as active. There are days I wish I didn’t have to get out of bed. There are days where I would just like to do nothing. I am a mother…. so this never happens. Even on mother’s day.

My son really has a hard time letting me do much…. he wants to be held a lot. And if he is not held he screams. I can not stand the scream crying. It is too much for me. So, I am holding Smiley. A lot. Thus cooking is difficult and so is getting around to typing on my blog much. But, here I am. Trying to write while he is asleep on my lap.

I still struggle with depression and anxiety, but I have managed to do okay in most areas of my life. Patience, at times, is not one of those areas. There are days where I wish I could be a better, and more patient mother to my daughter. She is so much like me in so many ways that it is scary. I want so much more for my kids then to have to struggle with anxiety. My anxiety and lack of patience is higher with lack of sleep. I want to continue to use attachment parenting, but there are many areas in which I have just had to stop, or change tactics when trying to parent my highly passionate daughter. Have I mentioned that my daughter is a MASTER negotiator? She is even using the phrases “lets make a deal” or “lets compomize mama.” She wants something and she wants it 10 seconds ago, but she will use her impressive vocabulary to say why she wants something and try to negotiate how to get it.

You know that t-shirt that says ” I am a co-sleeping, breast feeding, cloth diapering, baby wearing, blah blah blah, attached mama”? I am still officially a breast feeding mama. My daughter quit 2 days before my son was born. I was all prepared to tandem nurse, but even after Smiley was born, Sunshine tried some pumped milk and just didn’t want it. I am still nursing my son and he just chows down a lot at night. Yes, we are still a co-sleeping family. My daughter finally moved into her own room, but she struggles with nightmares and anxiety. We would have her stay in our room but she actually sleeps worse when she is in there. Smiley still resides with us though. He is the better sleeper between the two. Otherwise, Sunshine sleeps from 7 p.m. to 7- 8 a.m.  I am still a “sometimes” baby wearing mother. Smiley prefers to be held, but he is outgrowing the ergo just a bit. Now, cloth diapering I save for swimming diapers. Regular cloth diapers just became too much. I am finding I need to really clean house. Get rid of a lot of clothes and items…. perhaps with kid #3 or #4 I will have time to launder such items… but babies make a lot of poop. And my kids especially. So, cloth diapers are out for now. I feel terrible about the earth and the ecosystem… but I can only do so much with the limited brain power and high stress levels I already struggle with.

I guess I am starting over. It is quite a journey; motherhood. I may not always be patient, but I am being more patient with myself. I am not perfect, but I love my family perfectly. So, I guess I will share what I know, what I don’t know, and what I am still learning; As a mother, as a woman, as a human being.

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Not myself

I am sitting in a car with some of my fellow choristers. We are the chorus for the broadway show of Titanic. Super cool actually.

What is not so cool is how insecure I feel. I do not have a lot in common with the people in the car. They are all school music teachers… I used to teach but it was special education… All those students these guys are complaining about having in their classes.
As they talk and discuss about their experiences, their opinions… I try to think of something to share, some medium of conversation I can contribute. The young guy with us, however, gives me an odd look every time I do interject something.Like I am weird or he’s annoyed with me. Perhaps I might have interupted, perhaps I just missed the point of the conversation… Who knows?
The more odd looks I get the more I get insecure… Thinking, “Am I so weird?” Do people really think I am odd? I used to think I had my shit together. I stopped taking my medications to be able to.nurse my daughter. I am lucky to be able to do this for my little girl. But now, with her nearing a year it may be time to go back on my meds. Sigh. I don’t feel myself. I don’t feel in control. I feel shaky and unstable. Exhausted and insecure. Perhaps its just today. Perhaps I should at least take my antianxiety meds before attempting this again tomorrow night? Lots to think about when all I want to do is sleep.

At rehearsal...
At rehearsal...
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Alas, I am still in the car with the others. Wish me luck.

Manic Monday: It’s All About Quality of Life

For my first installment of Manic Mondays, I am focusing on Quality of Life. As a person with a mental illness, I have pretty much been on every kind of mood stabilizer, anti-psychotic, anti-convulsants, anti-depressant, anti-anxiety medication out there. What have I learned about it all? That though these medications were helping combat the mental illness, if they caused more problems with their side effects and made me feel worse in different ways, it wasn’t worth it.

Note: For those out there that are currently on medications and feel this is true for you, I am not proposing for any of you to go off your medications. What I am proposing is having a good sit down with your ARNP/Psychiatrist/medical doctor to discuss your medications.

Second Note: If your medication practitioner isn’t willing to discuss changing your medications, or just gives you the medications without explaining first what the side effects are, the goal of the medication treatment, and how to measure that progress… THEN I propose getting a new practitioner. It is your life, your mental health and if these people want your buy in, your commitment to take these medications, than you damn well better have a say on the effectiveness of said medication and whether it is negatively exacerbating other health issues in your life and your well-being.

Each person is different. One medication may work with a person’s chemistry positively where the person next door has negative side effects. The issue is finding that balance where you can live with the side effects and they do not outweigh the purpose or success of the medication you are taking.

For example: If you are given Depakote, at a high dosage, and this is for mood stabilization, but gain 60 lbs in six months…. changes are you aren’t feeling really good about yourself, depression has become a major factor, your health has gone down the tubes, and the stretch marks on your body are contributing to a significant lack of good feelings about yourself. I would say a good sit down with your therapist might be needed. Now, Depakote mostly likely isn’t the main culprit, but it is a big factor in some individuals weight gain as well as weight loss. Take it from me…. I was the one who gained 60-70 lbs in six months with Depakote after having my gall bladder removed.

Here is another example:

I had an ARNP that had me on significantly high dosages of Lithium at one time. I had to take several other medications to combat the side effects from being on Lithium. 2400Mg of Lithium can do a lot of damage to the body, especially if you are at toxic levels. I had my lithium levels done fairly regularly, but didn’t know to ask my ARNP what the results were, what level would signify toxicity, and whether it was really doing what it should. This woman never told me that I was at a toxic level, and when I moved down to California and saw a really cool psychiatrist, I found out my thyroid had stopped functioning because of the high dosages and was most likely the contributor of why I lost my gall bladder as well. Thank God I moved to California for a time, or who knows what else I might have lost from these high dosages of medications?!!

Now, Lithium works for me. It is one of the few medications that truly does help my racing thoughts and mania. But I have been doing fine on only 300-600mg of Lithium for the last few years, and rarely need any other medications on top of that to combat depression and anxiety. These other medications are taken on an “as needed” basis. I feel that when I was on the high dosages of medications, I was barely functioning and this made my symptoms seem worse than they probably would have been at a lower dosage. I had major shaking issues from the lithium, as well as struggles with completing sentences and thoughts. Before I was on lithium my thoughts raced crazily from one topic to the next. On high dosages of lithium, I shook like a meth addict and I couldn’t make one cohesive thought. The middle ground has worked for me.

So, learn from my mistakes. If your ARNP doesn’t explain to you why you are taking a medication, adequately communicate to you how this can affect you physically as well as mentally, and what the long-term side effects that could occur from taking said medication, then you may wish to communicate to your practitioner their ineffectiveness/ineptitude while working with you, and possibly search for another provider.

A lot of practitioners are type A, logical, linear people. They require data. Proof. So what I have done was when starting a new medication, I kept a journal. I wrote down what I was taking that day, and how I was feeling in the morning, afternoon, and evening. (This helps in identifying if extended release tablets are needed, or ineffective). I usually wrote a number between 1-10. Ten feeling awesome, one being suicidal tendencies. I wrote down at the end of the day, my overall reactions and feelings and this gave me good documentation over time on whether I was feeling improvement, or side effects were hindering my quality of life.

Not sure if this helps any of you… but for me… being honest with myself about what I can deal with and what I can’t, when it comes to side effects, helped me have a better quality of life. This way I stayed on my medications, and became a healthier me.