So, here I am on a Tuesday evening… twiddling my thumbs. No really, I am past the point of tired, exhausted, delirious.
Here’s the deal. The past 5 weeks, my throat has been super sore and my glands are pretty swollen. I have 4 weeks until I see my endocrinologist again, and I am pretty sure the remaining half of my thyroid has gone south. No funcionar! Nada.
I feel like crap, and this is not necessarily because I have a now 5 month old who is not wanting to sleep. I was tired, like normal new-mommy tired, for the first 3 months of Sunshine’s life. The past 2 months, I have slowly been feeling worse and worse. More exhausted and more sick feeling.
I don’t think I have a cold, and I don’t have a PCP to see to find out as my old doctor closed her practice. Sigh. I went to a Doc-in-the-Box and they confirmed my lymph nodes are really swollen and my throat looks really red. This RN gives me a medication (again, another thing of antibiotics, why do doctors/nurses just push antibiotics/drugs which end up making most problems worse because it kills off your bodies own antibodies to fix the problem in the first place? Sigh, thats for another post). This RN didn’t even know if I had an infection in the first place, but just said to take them. I hate taking medications when I really don’t need to. The Nurse also took a whole bunch of blood samples for my thyroid, iron levels, and so on. I honestly don’t think she knew what she was doing as she had no medical records of mine to go from, and she was like 20 years old. Hate to say it but I sound like my mother when I say, the kid was way younger than me and I am biased. I am only in my low thirty’s, but hey….I like to know the person has been practicing medicine longer than a few months. Right?
I digress. My endocrinologist had scheduled, about a year ago, to have my last remaining thyroid examined as it was getting puffy again, and to look at my lymph nodes. I, however, didn’t have it done as I discovered, much to our happiness, that I was pregnant. Now, it has been about 13 months and it looks like I do need to have my throat x-rayed again. Sigh… My hubby already predicts that I will need to have the last half of my thyroid removed. I have gone 3 years without a surgery. I am trying to stay OUT of the operating room. Plus, I felt so crappy after that particular surgery. I do not wish to go that direction, and really wish the doctor who had performed that little bit of procedure had taken BOTH thyroid lobes out as neither were functioning at the time and we were told I’d have to have both removed eventually. Oh well. (Another secret ploy for surgeons to get another surgery out of you. Suck!)
All I know is the last time my thyroid crapped out on me, I had two golf ball sized goiters pressing against my vocal chords and my wind pipe.(Try google images and looking at the pics of people with BAD goiters. I mean, some make me feel ill looking at what they were going through). When I tried to sleep, laying down, I had a difficult time breathing. When I swallowed it hurt. By the time I got the goiter/lobe removed you could physically see them on the side of my neck. When I auditioned for choral union in 2006, I didn’t make it because my intonation sucked. The goiters were pressed against my vocal chords. The non-functioning thyroid added a non-functioning libido and non-functioning metabolism. I looked, felt, and sounded awful.
Now, here we are. Five years later. I am back in Choral Union, one of the Nations top community choirs. I am having the pains when swallowing, and the lymph nodes areas are hurting and causing ear pain. My weight loss since the pregnancy has stopped and I am stuck at the 30 lbs left to go. However, this is partially due to having no energy and feeling icky most of the time, so I don’t exercise as much as I should. Plus, I have no desire to be intimate. Each morning, my head hurts like a mother-trucker and the past few days has been bordering on migraine status. This is enough to make me worry. If I do have the surgery, it would have to be in the summer when we aren’t singing, but how much will this take away from my intonation before then? How long do I have to feel this tired and this awful? Not a positive outlook here.
With the past week, Sunshine has had a terrible time sleeping and has now taken to sleeping in our bed because 1) I need some frickin’ sleep 2) though we may come across difficulties getting her back into her crib later, while sleeping in our bed she does not have the little night terrors she has been getting when she is in her crib. 3) I need some frickin’ sleep.
Also, I have not been all that social of late. I feel crappy, I isolate. I get little sleep, I isolate. My social anxiety has hit the roof. What do I do? I isolate. Even in choir, I feel like a social pariah and like I can’t hold a normal conversation. (Partially due to anxiety, partially due to my head pounding and my throat feeling like I got an egg sticking in the side of it).
So, That’s the truth of it all. Anybody has any musings or ideas to cope, I would LOVE to hear. Hoping with these few musings I can at least go back and say, “Hey. I was feeling this way on Oct.4th, 2011 and now I feel great!” Let’s just hope that happens.