What sleep?

So, here I am on a Tuesday evening… twiddling my thumbs.  No really, I am past the point of tired, exhausted, delirious.

The Thyroid
Endocrine Website

Here’s the deal. The past 5 weeks, my throat has been super sore and my glands are pretty swollen.  I have 4 weeks until I see my endocrinologist again, and I am pretty sure the remaining half of my thyroid has gone south.  No funcionar!  Nada.

I feel like crap, and this is not necessarily because I have a now 5 month old who is not wanting to sleep.  I was tired, like normal new-mommy tired, for the first 3 months of Sunshine’s life.  The past 2 months, I have slowly been feeling worse and worse. More exhausted and more sick feeling.

I don’t think I have a cold, and I don’t have a PCP to see to find out as my old doctor closed her practice.  Sigh. I went to a Doc-in-the-Box and they confirmed my lymph nodes are really swollen and my throat looks really red.  This RN gives me a medication (again, another thing of antibiotics, why do doctors/nurses just push antibiotics/drugs which end up making most problems worse because it kills off your bodies own antibodies to fix the problem in the first place? Sigh, thats for another post). This RN didn’t even know if I had an infection in the first place, but just said to take them. I hate taking medications when I really don’t need to.  The Nurse also took a whole bunch of blood samples for my thyroid, iron levels, and so on.  I honestly don’t think she knew what she was doing as she had no medical records of mine to go from, and she was like 20 years old. Hate to say it but I sound like my mother when I say, the kid was way younger than me and I am biased. I am only in my low thirty’s, but hey….I like to know the person has been practicing medicine longer than a few months.  Right?

I digress.  My endocrinologist had scheduled, about a year ago, to have my last remaining thyroid examined as it was getting puffy again, and to look at my lymph nodes.  I, however, didn’t have it done as I discovered, much to our happiness, that I was pregnant.  Now, it has been about 13 months and it looks like I do need to have my throat x-rayed again.  Sigh… My hubby already predicts that I will need to have the last half of my thyroid removed. I have gone 3 years without a surgery.  I am trying to stay OUT of the operating room. Plus, I felt so crappy after that particular surgery.  I do not wish to go that direction, and really wish the doctor who had performed that little bit of procedure had taken BOTH thyroid lobes out as neither were functioning at the time and we were told I’d have to have both removed eventually.  Oh well.  (Another secret ploy for surgeons to get another surgery out of you.  Suck!)

All I know is the last time my thyroid crapped out on me, I had two golf ball sized goiters pressing against my vocal chords and my wind pipe.(Try google images and looking at the pics of people with BAD goiters. I mean, some make me feel ill looking at what they were going through). When I tried to sleep, laying down, I had a difficult time breathing. When I swallowed it hurt. By the time I got the goiter/lobe removed you could physically see them on the side of my neck. When I auditioned for choral union in 2006, I didn’t make it because my intonation sucked. The goiters were pressed against my vocal chords. The non-functioning thyroid added a non-functioning libido and non-functioning metabolism. I looked, felt, and sounded awful.

Now, here we are. Five years later. I am back in Choral Union, one of the Nations top community choirs. I am having the pains when swallowing, and the lymph nodes areas are hurting and causing ear pain. My weight loss since the pregnancy has stopped and I am stuck at the 30 lbs left to go. However, this is partially due to having no energy and feeling icky most of the time, so I don’t exercise as much as I should. Plus, I have no desire to be intimate. Each morning, my head hurts like a mother-trucker and the past few days has been bordering on migraine status. This is enough to make me worry. If I do have the surgery, it would have to be in the summer when we aren’t singing, but how much will this take away from my intonation before then? How long do I have to feel this tired and this awful?  Not a positive outlook here.

With the past week, Sunshine has had a terrible time sleeping and has now taken to sleeping in our bed because 1) I need some frickin’ sleep  2) though we may come across difficulties getting her back into her crib later, while sleeping in our bed she does not have the little night terrors she has been getting when she is in her crib. 3) I need some frickin’ sleep.

Also, I have not been all that social of late. I feel crappy, I isolate.  I get little sleep, I isolate. My social anxiety has hit the roof. What do I do? I isolate.  Even in choir, I feel like a social pariah and like I can’t hold a normal conversation. (Partially due to anxiety, partially due to my head pounding and my throat feeling like I got an egg sticking in the side of it).

So, That’s the truth of it all. Anybody has any musings or ideas to cope, I would LOVE to hear. Hoping with these few musings I can at least go back and say, “Hey. I was feeling this way on Oct.4th, 2011 and now I feel great!”  Let’s just hope that happens.

Advertisements

Weirdest. Dream. Ever

Dream Symbols Website
Dream Symbols Website

So, I have to credit this post to Chantanee.  My favorite Thai restaurant that we went to yesterday, in which I ate Garlic Crispy Chicken (a.k.a. King’s Favorite Chicken)  and I was sick for the rest of night for some reason, and then proceeded to have the weirdest, fubard dreams, ever. Note: The last time we went to Chantanee, I was pregnant and had the same dish. Came home not feeling so well again. Have realized the pregnancy has done something to my ability to handle garlic. ‘No garlic for you!’

My dream, oddly, went something like this. I was in the hospital (Surprisingly looked a lot like Grey’s Anatomy “Seattle Grace Hospital.” Which is funny cause it doesn’t exist people). I was about to go in for an emergency c-section. (Again, odd because I didn’t look the least bit preggers).  In my dream, I knew I was having a boy, but no one else knew because it was too early to know the sex. Somehow I had my own super intuition thing going on, and was communicating with my fetus! (Why the F! would I be having a c-section then? In my dream I have this awesome narrating discussion with myself wondering about what was occurring).

I was on a cold hard table, and the doctor was placing this purple stuff all over my belly, and making a dotted line where she was going to cut on my lower abdomen.  (Again, totally weird because the doctor looked a lot like my daughter’s pediatrician).  I started to have a panic attack, this is not strange, but quite normal for me really.  I wanted someone there to hold my hand.  I tried calling my husband, who was somewhere in the hospital with our daughter (who looked to be about 3-4 years of age. She is only 5 months old).

So, I put on a hospital gown and headed outside where I could get cell reception. Because obviously, I am about to have a c-section, I have complete use of my legs as they have not numbed me, and while I did call my hubby inside the hospital, him not picking up meant there was no cell service inside.  Whatever.

I called my mother, and poof. She was there. Next thing I know, I am on the cold hard table again, and my tummy is wide open and I can see everything they are doing.  Out comes this little tiny baby boy, and then the shit really hits the fan.  (Warning: some might think I was on drugs from what occurred next. Honestly, I am not sure I didn’t take something last night. Lorazepam does that sort of thing).

My daughter, poof, appears.  She looks like a cross between the little girl who played Matilda, and the scenes of Annie Banks when she was a little girl, from the movie Father of the Bride.  She seems to be all glowy and says, “Mom, I have to save James. I will let you know when it is safe.”  She grabs hold of baby James (which is what we decided we would name our son if we had one) and poof… disappears.

That is when my mother and I are attacked by super villains with super powers.  You know the dude who plays Gambit in the movie Wolverine?  He has gone bad and is trying to take away my daughter and son because for some reason they have super powers.  (How this information just came to me all out of the blue, no idea.  But the dream had a lot of “poofing” so I figure that information was part of that).

Next thing I know, I am running through fields out in the wilderness. A lot like Lord of the Rings, really. I see my husband across the field, and then poof, he looks a lot like Leo from Charmed, and I looked a lot like Piper.  Then, what happens next?  All these blue smurfs emerge from the forest and yell “No, no, no.”  I am now one of those smurfs. In fact, I am Papa Smurf.  (WTF?!)  I shout, “Drop Leo.  They are dark lighters.”  All of a sudden, my hubby, Leo disappears, then reappears about 100 yards back, in the sky and he is expelled out of a black hole type vortex.

Me, as Papa Smurf, says, “Oh no!  He has lost his wings.” And I secretly knew, as all the other smurfs new, that the dark lighters would get him.  But what appears are not dark lighters in the shape of humans, but in the shape of wargs from Lord of the Rings.  (Yeah. Told you this was weird).  To my right, I see Storm, Wolverine, Beast, Wonder Woman, and Superman all fighting bad guys on a pier next to water. (Don’t have any idea where the water came from, let alone super heroes). Next thing I knew I had closed my eyes because I didn’t want to see what happened next.

When I opened my eyes again, still dreaming, I see my daughter and my son, who is now about the age of 2, standing close to each other.  There is this bad guy, who looks like a cross between a Death Eater from Harry Potter, and the bad dude from Extraordinary Gentleman. He is grasping his head like he is in some kind of inner turmoil, or maybe an alien taking over his brain sort of thing.

Next I know I am looking from the eyes of my son, who is communicating without speaking to his sister.  This is what we are saying to each other.  Sunshine: “We should help him.  We could fix all of this if we help.”  Little Brother: “We can’t.  We will change the course of the future.  We can’t alter time.”  Sunshine: “But we could change the future for the better.  We could help him find peace.” Little Brother: “We can’t. We could. But its better if he finds out on his own, Discovers the truth on his own.”

They grasp hands, my daughter who is 4.5 years older than she is right now, with her yet unborn/not-conceived sibling. There is a brilliant, glorious flash and they are gone.

And I wake up.

*****************************************

Now tell me that’s not some super, weird ass, stuff?!! Where did my mind come up with this crap?  Well, I am saying this now: If ever anyone reads this and decides to make a movie from it without consulting me… I am claiming my rights! I will sue you for it all, baby! Who can combine DC Comics, Marvel Comics, Smurfs, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter/Extraordinary Gentleman, with Grey’s Anatomy?!  Cause this is my brain on drugs, er… medications and garlic. And I am f ‘ing brilliant. Even in my sleep!