The Fear Factor

About three weeks ago, the hubby found out that his cancer is most likely not gone. He first found out that he had cancer at age 30, about 4 years ago. Not easy for a thirty year old, in the prime of his life. Let alone anyone hearing they have cancer. He had a surgery, and radiation. Then, last year 2010, we found out it was not gone completely. We also found out Sunshine was on her way. He finally had a surgery again January 2011 to remove more tissue and lymph nodes. They chose not to do any further radiation as the doctors felt they had it all. Yeah, well. That didn’t happen. His latest scan, that he has done yearly, shows that he again has some “possibly” infected lymph nodes. Sigh. Three and a half years of living with this cloud over his head. Almost 4 years. He now has a daughter that is so much a part of him, and my greatest fear is that he won’t be here to see her grow up.


Now, not to be surprising, with the dark cloud looming over him the hubby has a lot of anxiety and some depression setting in. Of course, he is choosing to ignore it, but has admitted to me that he has some anxiety and depression. This leads to his quality of life not being as good as it could be. Without the strength and ability to emotionally and mentally fight the cancer, he may also not have the physical ability to fight it off as well.


We both revel in the joy that is Sunshine. We try to ignore what may happen, while we are unable to do anything about it. All we have are “what-if’s” and no answers, no ability to make plans and alter the outcome differently. We are stuck with waiting until tests come back, and the options presented for the next course of action. We live for the happy moments, and the joyful moments that Sunshine gives to us. Where it is just her that we can focus on, and the fear factor does not take hold.


So with Turkey day, I was hoping the hubby wouldn’t tell his mother about the upcoming biopsy. Selfish of me, really, but what happens is that his mom won’t call him over and over asking why we haven’t done this, why it’s taking so long, why aren’t they doing more? No. I will be the one she calls because she believes that I need to mother her son as well. The thing is that she would do all this for him, plan his appointments, push the doctor to make faster decisions and so on. I however, believe her son capable of making these choices on his own. He is a grown man, this is his health. I will support him, and will help him when he needs me to do so. Otherwise, it is his health. His mother doesn’t see it that way, so I get the phone calls asking why we haven’t pursued such and such. I didn’t want him to tell his mom yet because we know nothing. We don’t know if it is the same cancer, or if it has morphed into something else as it has moved to his lymph nodes. We don’t know anything. So why worry, why let fear take hold until we can do something about it?


My idea of coping with this is to just let it go, forget about it until we have more information and can make a decision about what to do next. I want to enjoy life, not focus on the cloud overhead. We know its there. We know it will have to be dealt with, but why sweat the rain and clouds when they are not here yet? Why not still go an enjoy the fine overcast day ahead? We will appreciate it for its dryness, and deal with the rain later.


It sucks living in fear. It sucks being reminded that we should be worried, but I just can’t bring myself to acknowledge out loud that the storm is still here. We are just sitting in the eye of the hurricane it seems. The calm before the storm. Just wish he didn’t have to tell her because now I won’t be allowed to forget. Her way of coping is talking about it, calling me over and over, trying to control and manage it in her own way. I will be reminded again of what is out of my control, and what we are facing again. I will be forced to acknowledge my worst fears, when I’d rather live happily in ignorant bliss, or perhaps blissfully resolute in cherishing what we have right now.


Is this naive of me? Perhaps, but I believe it’s a better way to live.

Thirty Ways I’m Thankful

What are you thankful for? With the holidays fast approaching, I have begun to think a lot of about the gifts and blessings I have. My husband and I have decided to not give gifts this year, and to ask other family members to give to those who do not have much this holiday season. We are so grateful for what we have and want to share what little we have and give to others.

So with Thanksgiving in our hearts and minds, here are thirty wonderful things in my life (cause face it folks there are thousands of things I am grateful for). In no particular order…

I am grateful for:

  1. My life. There was a time when I wished I didn’t live, and attempted to end my life. Look at what I would have missed!!
  2. My husband. For the time we have together, the time we have apart where I miss him and want him home, and for giving me the beautiful gift of Sunshine in our life. For our giggles, hallway rendezvous, couch bouncing, LOTRO playing, and Sunshine snuggling. You are the blessing in my life.
  3. Sunshine. Even when its cloudy, its Sunny with Sunshine. She is the blessing, the gift we despaired we would never get to have. She is the personality that is developing before our eyes. Wow!! What an amazing little person she is becoming. What opinions she has already!
  4. Having a carpool buddy in the car. All the time now!!! Yay! (If you lived in the Puget Sound, a trip that would take 45 mins with a carpool buddy could take you 2 hours without one). Got to appreciate the little things!
  5. Staying at home. My husband works hard, and because of that I am able to stay at home with our little one. (Thank you hubby!!)
  6. Having a home over our heads. I know people who do not have a home.  I may not always like my home, or where it is at, but we have a home.
  7. Food on my table. Even though I may not cook very well, I am grateful for the food we do have and will remind myself to not be wasteful.
  8. Being able to breastfeed. We didn’t even know if I would be able to breastfeed at all, let alone 2 weeks, 2 months, or 6 months. I am so grateful that I can give this to my daughter.
  9. Chai. Okay, I know its tea… but sometimes very needed and oh! So yummy!
  10. For access to computers and the internet, so I can write my blog. Did you know that only 30% of the world’s population has access to and uses the internet?
  11. My pets. My cat and dog are special little gifts. (Even better when they don’t leave little gifts) They are great snugglers, great protectors, and loyal pets.
  12. Living in a country where I am not persecuted for my beliefs, and am allowed to study whatever I want to study, worship how I would like to worship, and sing whatever I love to sing. (I may not be happy with how our country is being run, but I am grateful for the freedom I have).
  13. Giggles. Laughter. It just makes me happy. Sunshine has lots of giggles, so therefore I am happy a lot.
  14. Sleep. “Oh boy! Sleep. That’s where I’m a viking.” (hehe) I love sleep, but don’t always get very much of it… when I do, I am so grateful!!
  15. Unique people. Man, would the world be boring if everyone was the same. The more different you are, the more beautiful the world is!
  16. The ability to read. I am lucky that I learned to read. At first I was a late bloomer, but when I finally learned, I loved it. The written word is amazing, and my imagination takes flight when I read.
  17. For having everything I really need. There may be things I would like to have or want, but in reality I have everything I need.
  18. Cookie dough. I love cookie dough.
  19. Thankful that my kid hasn’t discovered flour. Yet. (Kids giving mom flowers, er… Flour. )
  20. Thankful for my families health. Though we are not out of the woods, we are pretty healthy and happy.
  21. Thankful for my mental health. I have to admit, I am doing pretty good. Knock. On. Wood.
  22. Thankful for bath times. Yes, I have fun with Sunshine during her bath times, but my bath times are when I can relax, decompress, read, and just be quiet for a bit (be it with our without bubbles, I take my bathes pretty damn seriously  just wish we had a bigger, deeper tub).
  23. The Muppets. Enough said.
  24. Music and singing. Keeps me sane.
  25. All the family and friends that we love and that love us.
  26. The service men and women. Police, firemen, and EMT’s as well. You help give us our freedom and safety, and protect us at home, from others, and from ourselves.
  27. The Big Bang Theory. Love that show! It is a time where I actually cackle out loud.
  28. That I am strong and am a survivor.
  29. LOTRO time with my hubby, and sometimes the Sunshine Hacker.
  30. My ability to adapt to change in life and thrive.