The Slow Grrrr…. of Progress…

She’s at it again, folks.  She has found her voice, and is using it.  What is funny is that Sunshine is growling at us for all sorts of things, then will go high-pitch-super-sonic sounding for new discoveries, when the turtle on her exersaucer looks at her funny, or when she gets super excited in the jumperoo. I am starting to wonder, “Are my ears bleeding?” Much to the detriment of the cat and dog, Sunshine has totally found interest in them. I believe the cats tail, or the dogs ears will be what prompts her to start crawling/walking/running.

Sunshine helping Daddy
Sunshine Helping Daddy

We have been struggling with her sleep as of late.  Trying to make sure she gets down for at least 2 naps, or a nap totaling at least 2.5 hours (like that ever happens).  Sunshine tends to take lots of 15 minute naps. She sleeps so much better at night if she gets good naps. If she rolls over and peeks to see that I am not there, she will then wake up completely.  However, if I am lying next to her, she is fine to peer under her eyelashes a bit to see I am still there, and snuggles back to sleep.  Doesn’t always happen, mind you. She is a glorious kid and is growing so quickly.  She has hit that “I’m distracted by EVERYTHING” process where it now takes me 3x as long to breastfeed her.  “Oh! Look. Squirrel!!!”  “Oh! Something shiny!” Also, at only five months she is fully entrenched into stranger anxiety. Although this is not supposed to occur for a few more months, as always, Sunshine has her own schedule.

So, I have been adopting a few more of the AP (attachment parenting) techniques in working with Sunshine.  She is happier if she is touching me in some way. Even if she is just holding on to a finger, or leaning on me.  Happy. As. A. Clam.  If I put her down to do something, not so happy.  Wakes up and finds I’m not there, full out terror.  So, in order for her to feel more secure and to let go at her own pace and not develop more anxiety (Lord knows she gets enough of that from me) then I will carry her around, and lay next to her when she sleeps.  We have been having her sleep in bed with us, because when she is not in our room she has night terrors.

Now, we thought of using the bassinet in her pac n’ play for her to sleep in next to my side of the bed. Then transition this away and around in the room as she gets more comfortable.  Last night was the first night, and let me tell you… I am tired, and she is going down for a nap soon!  We will see how this goes, how we will both learn.  Again, as always, Sunshine will create her own schedule and when and how she will get comfortable sleeping without us will be up to her.  The more confidence I give in her ability to choose that decision and not force my own decision on her will ultimately help her have confidence in her own choices down the line.

Sigh…More lack of sleep. With the arrival of new adventures and activities with Sunshine, it seems the remaining portion of my thyroid has not joined in the fun. This leads to less energy, not feeling well, and these terrible headaches that won’t go away and have been leading to more migraines. With the migraines, Sunshine and I just huddle up in bed for the better part of the day.  I am only writing on my blog when I can.  I am getting about 2-3 posts a week, depending on energy, time, and when Sunshine lets me. I am also writing on MU (Motherhood Uncovered) with a few other awesome ladies. For some reason the quality of my posts for that site are so much better than this one.  Perhaps this is the site where I publish what I can with the time I have, and for MU I have time to check the quality before it goes out?  So I guess this blog is the unrated “me” published musings of a new mommy, whereas the other site is a little more tame?  I will continue to write as my energy and Sunshine allows me. Hopefully in the coming weeks things will be resolved and I’ll get back to our regular posting schedule.

With that-  hugs and don’t forget to giggle!

Advertisements

What sleep?

So, here I am on a Tuesday evening… twiddling my thumbs.  No really, I am past the point of tired, exhausted, delirious.

The Thyroid
Endocrine Website

Here’s the deal. The past 5 weeks, my throat has been super sore and my glands are pretty swollen.  I have 4 weeks until I see my endocrinologist again, and I am pretty sure the remaining half of my thyroid has gone south.  No funcionar!  Nada.

I feel like crap, and this is not necessarily because I have a now 5 month old who is not wanting to sleep.  I was tired, like normal new-mommy tired, for the first 3 months of Sunshine’s life.  The past 2 months, I have slowly been feeling worse and worse. More exhausted and more sick feeling.

I don’t think I have a cold, and I don’t have a PCP to see to find out as my old doctor closed her practice.  Sigh. I went to a Doc-in-the-Box and they confirmed my lymph nodes are really swollen and my throat looks really red.  This RN gives me a medication (again, another thing of antibiotics, why do doctors/nurses just push antibiotics/drugs which end up making most problems worse because it kills off your bodies own antibodies to fix the problem in the first place? Sigh, thats for another post). This RN didn’t even know if I had an infection in the first place, but just said to take them. I hate taking medications when I really don’t need to.  The Nurse also took a whole bunch of blood samples for my thyroid, iron levels, and so on.  I honestly don’t think she knew what she was doing as she had no medical records of mine to go from, and she was like 20 years old. Hate to say it but I sound like my mother when I say, the kid was way younger than me and I am biased. I am only in my low thirty’s, but hey….I like to know the person has been practicing medicine longer than a few months.  Right?

I digress.  My endocrinologist had scheduled, about a year ago, to have my last remaining thyroid examined as it was getting puffy again, and to look at my lymph nodes.  I, however, didn’t have it done as I discovered, much to our happiness, that I was pregnant.  Now, it has been about 13 months and it looks like I do need to have my throat x-rayed again.  Sigh… My hubby already predicts that I will need to have the last half of my thyroid removed. I have gone 3 years without a surgery.  I am trying to stay OUT of the operating room. Plus, I felt so crappy after that particular surgery.  I do not wish to go that direction, and really wish the doctor who had performed that little bit of procedure had taken BOTH thyroid lobes out as neither were functioning at the time and we were told I’d have to have both removed eventually.  Oh well.  (Another secret ploy for surgeons to get another surgery out of you.  Suck!)

All I know is the last time my thyroid crapped out on me, I had two golf ball sized goiters pressing against my vocal chords and my wind pipe.(Try google images and looking at the pics of people with BAD goiters. I mean, some make me feel ill looking at what they were going through). When I tried to sleep, laying down, I had a difficult time breathing. When I swallowed it hurt. By the time I got the goiter/lobe removed you could physically see them on the side of my neck. When I auditioned for choral union in 2006, I didn’t make it because my intonation sucked. The goiters were pressed against my vocal chords. The non-functioning thyroid added a non-functioning libido and non-functioning metabolism. I looked, felt, and sounded awful.

Now, here we are. Five years later. I am back in Choral Union, one of the Nations top community choirs. I am having the pains when swallowing, and the lymph nodes areas are hurting and causing ear pain. My weight loss since the pregnancy has stopped and I am stuck at the 30 lbs left to go. However, this is partially due to having no energy and feeling icky most of the time, so I don’t exercise as much as I should. Plus, I have no desire to be intimate. Each morning, my head hurts like a mother-trucker and the past few days has been bordering on migraine status. This is enough to make me worry. If I do have the surgery, it would have to be in the summer when we aren’t singing, but how much will this take away from my intonation before then? How long do I have to feel this tired and this awful?  Not a positive outlook here.

With the past week, Sunshine has had a terrible time sleeping and has now taken to sleeping in our bed because 1) I need some frickin’ sleep  2) though we may come across difficulties getting her back into her crib later, while sleeping in our bed she does not have the little night terrors she has been getting when she is in her crib. 3) I need some frickin’ sleep.

Also, I have not been all that social of late. I feel crappy, I isolate.  I get little sleep, I isolate. My social anxiety has hit the roof. What do I do? I isolate.  Even in choir, I feel like a social pariah and like I can’t hold a normal conversation. (Partially due to anxiety, partially due to my head pounding and my throat feeling like I got an egg sticking in the side of it).

So, That’s the truth of it all. Anybody has any musings or ideas to cope, I would LOVE to hear. Hoping with these few musings I can at least go back and say, “Hey. I was feeling this way on Oct.4th, 2011 and now I feel great!”  Let’s just hope that happens.